Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
