I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
