i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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