apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
