i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize