apparently the secret to your success is patron
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
