I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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