Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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