so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
