My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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