Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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