nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize