I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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