can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
