Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
