Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
