Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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