Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
