I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
