masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
