Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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