I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
