I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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