Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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