Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
