i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
