I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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