Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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