I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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