I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
