i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
