i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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