true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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