Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
