I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
