so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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