Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
