I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
