We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
