I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
