so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
