I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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