i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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