I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
