how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
