you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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