i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
