I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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