he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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