You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
