You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
