trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize