Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
