Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i came on her dog
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
