Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
