then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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