im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
