I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I FOUND THE LEGS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
