Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
