I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
