i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
