So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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