Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
