I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have demons in me.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i was born a porn star she said
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
