4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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