Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
